by J. Davis Lee
PNTV Channel 6
Dec 19, 2012
COLUMBIAS, TENN. -- In anticipation for sweeping government reform of gun ban zone laws, school administrators ordered an elite cadre of educators to instruct elementary school children in the firearms arts.
Heather Stockholm, general counsel for the Abernathy school district, told reporters in a press conference that gun safety is now priority number one, after the debacle at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticutt. "Those crazy liberals are out of control, and its up to us sane folk to put it right," Stockholm said.
Bill Rugar, chief of political relations for the National Teachers Guild, hailed the new direction in Tennessee schools. "School shootings will soon be a thing of the past, except for all the dead lone nuts," Rugar chuckled.
Governor Bill Haslam, under fire for paying his political allies $10-million for an exported Phillips factory, basked in the glory of doing something right, for a change. Haslam spoke at a political rally for his lobbyists, "I signed this bill into law for one reason, and one reason only. That's to clear my name from allegations that I cut Medicaid funds to pay $5-million above market value for an abandoned factory, gave traffic camera contracts to Communist China, and used my family's oil buisness to scalp the little people with price gouging. Just because Pilot Oil had the highest prices in the nation, and was fined by the Tennessee Attorney General for conspiracy to defraud, doesn't mean I'm all bad."
Haslam concluded his speech with a campaign fundrasing dinner at $50,000 per plate, in preparation for his possible re-election bid in 2016. Then he went on extended vacation to the Virgin Islands in his private jet.
Police chief J. Edgar Beaver refused press requests for an interview, but released a short statement. "We welcome this overdue change from the political branch. No more quotas for traffic tickets and codes violations for uncut grass. We are redirecting our manpower towards protecting and serving the public. No more locking down students to allow gunmen to kill at will, while police hide in the bushes safely out of harms way. Finally, we can allow the teachers and adult students to defend themselves, so we don't have to."
Stacy Archer, a teacher at Dick Grayson Elementary, spoke enthusiastically about her new duties as a merchant of death to would-be active shooters. "I eagerly anticipate shooting bad guys," Ms. Archer told parents at the area PTA club meeting Wednesday night. "Thank you to the Tennessee legislature for giving me this opportunity to use my God-given right to kill anybody trying to kill me," Archer spoke. "And my kids. Can you imagine how much paperwork would be involved if a bunch of lone gunmen burst in and splattered the kids brains all over the wall?"
History teacher and basketball coach, Bill E. Kidd, told the PTA, "This combat arms training for teachers and kids is a great addition to my coaching duties. Seeing the smile on a little girl's face when she hits a target of Dylan Kleibold -- it's just priceless."
Jessica and Barry Rockitt, parents of third grader Kitty, gave their public comments to the PTA. Jessica told the crowded gymnasium, "We're thrilled the legislature and governor have worked together on this issue of utmost importance to all parents. We promise to do our part and build a backyard shooting gallery for Kitty and her friends. Walmart has a sale on AR15s and combat targets." Barry added, "But since Kitty is so young, we plan to start her out on the World of Warcraft battlefield simulator. We can't have her hesitate to pull the trigger on a live human sicko trying to rape her or put a bullet in her pretty head. This ain't the Necrophilia Room at Bohemian Grove, you know."
Willard Mittins, principal of Columbia High, advised, "If you treat students like children, they will forever remain children. That 'in loco parentis' doctrine is some crazy shit."
At the conclusion of the PTA celebration, the parents and teachers posse regrouped at the local Baskin Robbins, for combat handgun training in prevention of future icecream shop massacre.