"This campaign was seriously affecting my ability to bang white womens. Therefor I must immediated suspend my campaign for president. Because I gots to bang me some white womens."
-Herman "The Beast" Cain
ATLANTA—Herman Cain on Saturday suspended his campaign for the White House, effectively ending an unlikely run that saw him allegedly lead the Republican presidential field but falter amid accusations that he had sexually harassed several women and conducted an extramarital affair.
Mr. Cain continued to deny those allegations on Saturday, and said they were being perpetuated by the media and the political elites. "I thought I was one of Them at running around nekked with my dork hangin out at Bohemian Grove, but I was wrong."
"I am suspending my presidential campaign because of the continued distractions, the continued hurt caused on me and my family by these dastardly yet amazingly accurate investigations," Mr. Cain said, with his wife of 43 years, Gloria, standing forelornly behind him. He hasn't seen her in several weeks.
Cain said he would endorse Barack Hussein Obama Soetoro for dictator, since "He does more for the international banksters than I ever could. I was just in the race to distract attention from Ron Paul, the banksters mortal enemy. We must stop an audit of the private 'Federal' Reserve Bank at any cost. Hell, we've looted hundreds of trillions of counterfeit 'dollars', but ain't done yet, bitches!"