Tuesday, December 16, 2008

My Stripper Story

A buddy of mine went to a strip club last night and this is our story. The handicap laws have gone ape sh*t as far as I am concerned. But in the end, I have never laughed so hard. It has taken most of the day to recapture this experience. Enjoy!

Last night one of my buddies, Stan and I decided to head on out to a local gentlemen’s club for a little eye candy and a few drinks, now for some reason the local talent here has been on a downward trend for the last year or so, but sl*t watching is sl*t watching so off we go.

Show up at the place, and there is a 10.00 cover because it is Buffet Night (woo hoo free chow and boobies!) we pay the price and in we go. Typical strip club type place dark, lots of dim colored lights, scantily clad women serving drinks and young ladies dressed like those hookers from the HBO special. Music is thumping and the cheesy DJ is introducing Nevada or Austin or Dallas or some equally stupid vixin named after a city.

On our way to our seats we pass the buffet, not being one to waste allot of energy I decide to grab a plate on the way to the table.

MMMMM looky here shrimp and steak, chicken strips and pasta…why do they always have pasta? Oh well I snatch up a pile of shrimp (get it snatch and shrimp) as well as a couple of grayish steaks, some chicken strips and honey mustard sauce for dippin and head off to the table to be entertained.

I get to the table and Stan has already placed a drink order for us, and there are already two fine upstanding young ladies sitting at the table trying to wrangle drinks and table dances out of him.

I have a seat and one of them moves over next to me….is it just me or do all these chicks wear the same perfume powder combo? All tit*y dancers smell alike.

Well I get ready to dig in and then it hits me, this shrimp smells funny, or maybe it was “Roxy” sitting next to me, at any rate I am smelling a bit to much sea food odder and decide to skip to the Steak, it is passable but over cooked. The chicken fingers however are quite good.

Anyway, I am making small talk with Roxy, and she is telling me how she in college and this is just to help her get through school and get her degree. I inquire as to what she will be getting a degree in and she tells me cosmetology…..ahhh ok.

So we are chatting away Stan is getting a table dance from this leggy blond right next to us and I am checking out that action out of the corner of my eye; Here is a tip when you go to a t*tty bar, go with someone who is willing to spend lots of cash then you get like a contact table dance sort of like a contact high. If you don’t have someone like this to go with then try and sit next to the largest group of Asians you can find, trust me…

While checking out the talent walking around the room I notice that the stage has a ramp built on the side of it so I ask Roxy what’s up with the ramp is evil ****-nevil gonna jump his motorcycle over a dozen triple D’s? She laughs partly because I am witty and partly because that’s what they teach them to do in stripper school.

Roxy, then tells me that they had to install is to comply with the American with disabilities act, so that the stage would be wheel chair accessible.

“Wheel chair accessible?!? Are you ****ting me?” Nope she tells me it’s the law. Sure because handicapped people are just beating down the door to become tit*y dancers right? She seemed a bit miffed at my remarks and corrected me, “We are Exotic Dancers and they are Handicapable not handicapped!”

Yeah what ever and my toilet plunger is a fecal waste flow control device, handicapped or handicapeable either way I don’t see them lined up to be “exotic daaannncerrrs.”

Roxy then tells me to stick around because Wanda will be out soon!

Who is Wanda I ask? You’ll see she replies.

Roxy then gets up and leaves and while I am not sure I think my shrimp did smell better but I still didn’t eat it.

We watch a few girls make the rounds Stan gets another table dance an tips a few of the dancers on stage, and we bull**** a bit while watching ESPN on the big screen, when Mr. Cheesy DJ, announces Next up on the main stage gentlemen put your hands together for WILD WILD WANDAAAAAAAaaaaa!

At this point the recognizable tones of Stephan Wolf come over the speakers and I hear…

GET YER MOTOR RUNNIN HEAD OUT ON THE HIGHWAY LOOKING FOR ADVENTURE AND WHATEVER COMES MY WAY….BORN TO BE WIIIIILLD

THEN TO THE LEFT OF THE STAGE UP THE RAMP COMES WILD WANDA….A DOUBLE AMPUTEE LEGS CUT OFF AT THE KNEES IN AN ELECTRIC FREAKING WHEEL CHAIR!

I literally spit my drink all over the table! I look at Stan and his mouth is just hanging open, I think I looked the same way because I was in total shock. Now I have seen midget porn, I have even took a peak or two at women ****ing a horse…..but this my friends was just plain WRONG!

Wanda rolls around the stage and spins in a circle a couple of times drives towards the end of the stage real fast, so it looks like she will go over the edge and be launched into the crowd like a human football with t*ts, but at the last min she stops throws it in reverse and then does one of those “Rockford turns” those of you old enough will know what I mean, but it is where you go backward real fast and then spin around to fact the opposite direction.

I got to hand it to her the little legless bitch could drive that damn chair like scene from the fast and the furious all that was missing was a fart can muffler and a big ass spoiler and a few r-type stickers slapped on her stumps and she would be race ready!

Now at this point I am both intrigued, shocked, and impressed, ok she is handicapeable but can she dance? Believe it or not here is where it gets weird.

The normal routine at this place seems to be dance one song dressed (this is the tease) then strip on the next song. The first song stops and the next song starts Privet Dancer.

Wanda slides out of her chair and onto the stage, goes into a hand stand (which causes the plaid school girl skirt she is wearing to drop down and exposes her thong.) and walks to the center of the stage and begins to roll around in typical stripper school style first on all fours sort of dry humping the stage then she rolls over to her back…at this point I am thinking “NO PLEASE PLEASE DON’T DO IT!” she does!

Yes the stripper standard props her self up on her elbows and SPREADS HER STUMPS, just when I think I am about to puke she does the roll over back onto all fours with her ass pointed at the crowd, reaches back and slaps it!

It is at this point that Stan who up until now I had always thought of as a normal sort of guy begins to yell “Oh hell yeah shake that thing baby!!! Smack it smack it!! WOOO HOO” This behavior continues until I smack him in the back of the head. Wand has now taken off her top to reveal a very nice set of t*ts obviously fake but a nice job was done they were a good full C cup, she was not unattractive in the face and her upper body was in good shape tone and not over weight. Had it not been for the mental images of Lt Dan from forest Gump playing over and over in my head I might have found her attractive.

Stan leaves me behind and runs up to the stage with a 5.00 in his mouth to tip Wanda, she walks over to him (on her hands) then sits down and grabs his waist with her stumps and grabs his collar with her hands pulls him to her and takes the 5 from his mouth with hers and gives him a kiss....Stan is kissing a half naked legless stripper the image is still etched in my mind.

After the kiss she rolls back into a hand stand (I wonder if she was a gymnast) then walks back to the center of the stage turns her back to the pole and sort of falls back against it grabs it between her stumps and PULLS HERSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR! Holding the pole with one hand and griping it with her stumps she leans back and rubs her fake t*ts (then it hits me...why would she spent 5k on new t*ts when she could have gotten some fake legs? But anyway)

She climbs the poll hangs off it by her stumps, all I can think is she must have some serious pinching power with those legs because it has to be that and friction that is keeping her up there....well it seems that friction played a big part. See all that pinching the pole and hot lights made Wanda's stumpy little thighs sweat and while hanging upside down playing with her nipples, and looking at Stan who had another 5.00 in his mouth, that sweat made her iron grip slip, and down came wild wild Wanda!

Blam! Wanda smashed into her wheel chair which was double parked next to the Pole, the impact knocked Wanda OUT COLD and sent her wheel chair into a table near the stage where two fat business men were sitting, spilling their drinks and dumping a plate of pasta in one guys lap.

The other strippers and the door man rushed to the stage to attend to Wanda the two business men were cursing I was laughing my ass of and Stan was just standing the blank face 5 dollar bill hanging from his mouth.

The paramedics were called, and the manager comp'ed the fat guys. Stan was heart broke and I never did finish my shrimp. As for Wild Wanda I have no clue, but keep an eye out for her if you ever see a ramp next to the stage at the tit*y bar.






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